May I Ask You a Question?

(My Pet-Peeve, even if it is a form of politeness and respect.)

by Christian Flint

In only this past week, I was asked three times the above question; "May I ask you a question?"  This preemptive question of course, is a request to ask another question.  But, in truth, haven't you already asked me a question with this first line? 

I know I am probably over-reacting.  And, I was brought up with manners also.  But, it is difficult for me to not make a sarcastic remark at the time when asked this very question. 

I have analyzed often even the character and personality of the person asking.  I have accepted the fact that often the "questioner" is nervous and possibly hesitant to ask their primary question in the first place.  Nervousness can cause for a lack of analytical thought and can also cause one to lose common sense momentarily. 

In working, teaching and lecturing over the years I am finding this "pre-question" to become more common than less common.  And, I am quite disturbed by its prevalence.  It would almost appear that the questioner might be asking a favor of something that could be tedious or something that requires physical labor or exhaustive mental effort.  But, rarely does the answer to the actual question involve any real laborious thought or effort.

Another obvious consideration, of course, is when one asks a personal question.  Therein, it would be understandable, especially in mixed company, when seeking a personal bit of information from someone, that we ask their permission to ask.  However, even when you ask someone: "May I ask a personal question?", it hardly gives any evidence up front about what the questioner is about to ask.  So therefore, it is also a moot point to ask permission to ask a personal question when the one that is requested to answer has no idea in what subject or category of what personal information will be asked. 

And not one of the three preemptive questions asked of me in the last week actually was the question; "May I ask you a personal question?".  If so, maybe I could have better tolerated the preface of the matter. 

Why this all seems important to me is for our use of language and communication.  I am a firm believer and user of "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" (NLP).  Without getting too technical, it is how we utilize words and communication in our daily life.  One aspect of it is how to say more using less words.  Another aspect would be to more directly ask for what we want, instead of generalizing.   I have studied and worked with NLP since around 1990.  And, I have found it to be an incredible way to utilize better, the English language.  I have also found it to be an incredible help when utilizing it in personal relationships and business relationships.  It is also incredibly effective in the areas of sales.

Without realizing, I am constantly analyzing speech, including my own.  I often will go over my own wording when I am on the phone with Technical Support for a company.  I will listen to the syntax and acronyms used by the Technical Support Representative in order to work to better communicate the problem or issue I am having.  I do this to 1.) try to fix my technical problems more quickly and efficiently and 2.) to better understand the thoughts and communication of the support person, in the hopes of making their job (and my experience) even easier.

While this might be irrelevant, uninteresting and unnecessary to some, I have learned much more about learning and how other people "learn" by using different words, phrasing and syntax to communicate and better relate my point or problem in using this methodology.  Not only have I become a better learner by doing so, I have also become a better teacher.

Back to the original question.....  about the question.  "May I ask you a question?".  By NLP standards, this is a wasted request.  It serves no purpose technically.  As how is the respondent to even know what is about to be asked?   How will they even know whether they want to answer the question or not until they hear the question? 

Therefore, (and even for the sake of manners), I think it more rude to make an empty untelling request than to simply outright ask your question, personal or not.  Even if you are asking a superior at your job, at your school or in most any setting, it would be more considerate to very specifically think through your question before asking, and then ask.  Often being in a superior position in educational or work settings, I tend to actually prefer questions than for people to second guess my thoughts or intent.  But, over the years, I can finally vent and relate to you, PLEASE just ask your question.  You need not my permission to ask.  And, while I cannot answer for everyone else, I believe that most would agree, if they actually would think it through.  PLEASE, just ASK!

What say you, Mind Designers?  Any thoughts?